Politeness

Politeness is one face of the two-sided coin which is respect. Politeness is the theory of respect, the kind of abstract notions that power it. The Decorum section includes the physical acts of respect.

Status

Status is your relative position in society. Status is the most important element of determining respect – you owe respect to those who exceed your status, and you are owed respect by those below your status.

When comparing two people by a status metric, the person with less status is called the junior, and the person with more status is called the senior.

Age

Age is an important indicator of status. Young people are expected to pay respect to their elders. The greater the distance between two people, the more respect the junior is expected to pay. In Dynastic society, where it is often very hard to tell one’s age just by looking, it is expected that you pick up on the subtle clues as to someone’s age and use those to make your determination as to the proper amount of respect you owe them.

Class

Class is an important indicator of status. The Dynasty, as the highest class, is owed respect by all below; the patriciate deserves ample respect from the peasantry; the peasantry deference from the slaves; and even the slaves may expect respect from the dispossessed. The greater the difference in class, the more respect you are expected to pay. As a Dynast, you can expect to receive respect from everybody.

Exaltation

For drawing the Second Breath, you have demonstrated that you are worthy of respect from all mere mortals. Although the respect due to you from your un-Exalted family is slight, the respect due to you from others is great.

Multidimensionality

Status is multidimensional, meaning that it is not as simple as one person having categorically “more” status. Status is multidimensional and subtle, so you can often expect multiple layers in play. Should a young patrician have to interact with an elderly peasant, the peasant must obviously pay heed to her better, but the patrician must also show respect to his elder. In this way, both have status over the other in different ways. Navigating this web of deference is key to being successfully polite.

Theory of Politeness

Being polite often includes a marked contrast between what you desire and what you express. Humility is absolutely key in politness, especially when dealing with superiors and equals. These principles should help guide you through the act of being polite.

Remain Indirect

Directness is very rarely appropriate. In general, to remain polite, you should work around what you intend to say. Directly stating things, like “I will not accept your offer” or “I brought you a gift,” is generally interpreted as rude for demeaning your partner’s wit, or rude for assuming that your opinions are inherently more valuable. A more correct thing to do is to be indirect; “I must consider your offer carefully before I make a decision” or “I am certain that such a humble thing as this is well beneath your notice.”

Defer to Superiors

Give respect to those that outrank you. They are your social seniors and deserve to be treated as such. Accommodate their desires as far as can reasonably be expected; be deferent when you speak to them; emphasize their status over you.

You can use such things to manipulate your conversation partner. For example, if you can phrase a course of action as magnanimous and generous, and then call them magnanimous and generous, they must take that course of action – or they would reveal themselves to be otherwise. This basic tactic is transparent but startlingly effective. “Surely for such a wealthy woman as yourself, a donation of such a sum would be trifling!”

Bestow Upon Inferiors

Accept the respect you are given by your juniors. Do not seek to increase it – if you gain a reputation for lauding your own status, you will become known as someone who does not respect respect, which is a sign of lower manners.

Make sure that you make small, respectful tasks – like filling your glass or holding the door for you – available for your inferiors; do not demean your juniors by forcing them to perform humiliating things. By allowing your juniors the opportunity to demonstrate respect, you are collaboratively offering both of you an increase in prestige. For you, your prestige is increased by being the recipient of visible respect; for your junior, their prestige is increased by following decorum. This system works for the benefit of both parties; abusing it is certain to get you marked as a person of low manners.

Honor Your Equals

Convey honor and praise to your equals; expect, and graciously accept, the same in turn from them. Be respectful to people of roughly the same rank as you, so that you will be respected in turn.

Respect Is More Important Than Truth

When truth and respect are in conflict, choose respect. This principle relates heavily to the obligation to remain indirect and the rule of three. This rule often makes foreigners believe that the Realm is a society of liars; this could not be further from the truth. It is simply that when politeness and honesty conflict, the Realm relies on obvious politeness and subtle honesty – a fact often lost on uncultured barbarians who do not understand subtlety.

The Rule of Three

Whenever you receive a gift or an offer, decline at least once and as many as three times. This is the “rule of three” for gifts and services.

In general, the Dynasty extends this notion to a much broader concept of refusal up to three times. For example, when paying a visit to a friend, it is expected that she will come up with three reasons why you cannot stay (thus denying the gift you are offering her of the honor of hosting you), before they allow you to stay. A suitor will reject your offers 3 times before revealing whether or not they are actually interested.

The Inside Is Emotional; The Outside Is Controlled

The interior world, inside one’s mind, is where emotions belong; the exterior world, one’s outward face, is expected to be precisely controlled. A well-mannered Dynast will maintain a steely and respectable exterior, not distorted by strong emotion.

The Dynasty extends this understanding further – the inside world of the home is where emotion lives, and the outside world, the public sphere, is controlled.

You can use this to your advantage. In the outside world, you are expected to maintain a strict and rigid system of formality; in the inside world, you can be more lax with regard to decorum, since you are sheltered. You can bring someone inside to make things seem more genuine; breaking down crying after a long ministerial request suddenly brings the other person inside with you, and can be a powerful break of decorum to prove your sincerity. Treating someone who is normally inside as an outsider can be an effective means of enforcing guilt – “I see that Master Peleps has deigned to join us for dinner” in the formal language is a classic line from your mother to make you feel guilty about being late.

The Body Is Not Worthy

Your physical body is shameful and dirty. Keep a respectful distance from other people. Avert your eyes respectfully from others as a show of respect; eye contact is for equals and intimates. Your feet are where negative energy leaves the body, so don’t point your toes at people or put your feet on display. Your breath is wet and used-up, like old laundry; to demonstrate respect, keep a fan in front of your mouth or cover your mouth with your hands to divert your breath from spoiling the other person. Details about illness and sex in general are affairs of the private sphere and shouldn’t be discussed in the public sphere.

Prestige

Prestige is sometimes called “face” or “dignity” by foreigners. It is the ineffable currency of social standing. The more prestige you have, the more status and respect you are owed. Your prestige is external – it is defined by how others perceive you.

Increasing Prestige

You can increase your prestige and social standing by adhering to decorum and expectations. Receiving respect from other people increases your prestige with the group who observes the respect. Acting according to your station increases your prestige – acting humbly toward those you ought to act humble toward is a good thing for you, because it shows you are well-mannered.

Decreasing Prestige

You can decrease your prestige and social standing by acting boorish or rude. Being insulted or belittled by someone will decrease your prestige. Acting outside of your station can decrease your prestige – acting too lowly can make you seem feeble, and acting too highly can make you seem arrogant and defiant of social norms.

Communalism

Prestige exists completely in the minds and opinions of other people. It can only be increased or decreased when other people are present. If other people think lowly of you, it doesn’t matter how noble you know yourself to be, you are a person of low prestige. Similarly, you can be as disreputable as you like as long as no one else knows, and you can still be someone of high prestige. Of course, such things coming to public knowledge will affect your prestige – a person who has humbly labored and acquired many successes without public acknowledgement can suddenly become quite prestigious, and a formerly-respectable person whose deviances are made public will find herself quickly ostracized.